And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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