i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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