I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
