I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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