ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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