I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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