M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I think people are normalizing furries
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
