i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
