my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
