it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
being pregnant is like rehab
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
