the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
