Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
