I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
