I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
