I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
