Pappa wants mamma naked
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I love you. Go after that dick
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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