i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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