so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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