At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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