god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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