If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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