Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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