my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
