Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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