Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
