dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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