i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
