Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
