Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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