i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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