Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
