I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
