just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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