i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
