is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
