Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
