I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
