What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
