Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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