someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
