I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
