I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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