Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
