fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
