does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
