a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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