The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
