That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
