I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
