ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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