good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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