All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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